A Man's Answer To Every Question A Woman Asks

Again, for lack of inspiration in the last few days I'm posting this facebook note on here. It's pretty tongue in cheek and a fun read. Enjoy!

1. WHY ARE MEN SUCH JERKS?

It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behavior. We're just misunderstood.

2. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS HAVE TO OGLE AT OTHER WOMEN?

Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.

3. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS TOUCH THEMSELVES, ESPECIALLY IN PUBLIC?

We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.

4. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS SAY SUCH STUPID THINGS?

We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well-chosen) words.

5. WHY ARE MEN SO UNCOMMUNICATIVE?

You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner.

6. WHY DO MEN HAVE TO ACT LIKE SUCH RETARDS?

Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's the old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the world nowadays.

7. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SHARE THEIR FEELINGS?

Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.

8. WHY CAN'T MEN CUDDLE MORE (I.E. LIE DOWN AND HUG)?

Please... How many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the hell (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end?

We men... Men hunters... Need go roam... Starve in cave... Must go find wildebeest... Now sitting on our asses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story.

9. HOW CAN MEN SIT ON THEIR ASSES ALL DAY WITHOUT MOVING?

Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers etc. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.

10. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SAY, "I LOVE YOU?"

Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own character faults.

11. WHY DO MEN SAY "I LOVE YOU" WHEN THEY HARDLY KNOW ME?

Ho, Ho, Ho... Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure-fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.

12. WHY DOESN'T MY PARTNER EVER ANSWER ME?

We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.

13. WHY WON'T MEN EVER PICK UP AFTER THEMSELVES?

Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know damn well you'll pick it up.

14. WHAT'S WITH ALL THE BELCHING AND FARTING?

This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps.

15. WHY DO MEN HATE SHOPPING?

It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at things we have no intention of killing? Err... buying?

The Language Of Men And Women

This is one of those popular notes passing around on facebook. Couldn't resist sharing this one on the blog though. Enjoy!

Women’s English:

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Yes = No

No = Yes

Maybe = No

I’m sorry = You’ll be sorry

We need = I want

It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now

Do what you want = You’ll pay for this later.

We need to talk = I need to complain.

Sure go ahead = I don’t want you to.

I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron!

You’re so manly = You need a shave and you sweat alot.

You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you everthink about?

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.

I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture,and wallpaper…..

Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.

Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive.

How much do you love me? = I did something you’re really not going to like.

I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.

Is my butt fat? = Tell me I’m beautiful.

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.

Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]

Was that the baby? = Why don’t you get out of bed and walk him until he falls asleep.

I’m not yelling! = Yes, I am yelling because I think this is important.

The same old thing = Nothing

Nothing = Everything

Everything = My PMS is acting up.

Nothing, really = It’s just that you’re such an asshole.

Men’s English:
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I’m hungry = I’m hungry.

I’m sleepy = I’m sleepy.

I’m tired = I’m tired.

Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you.

Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you.

Can I call you sometime? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you.

May I have this dance? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you.

Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!

You look tense, let me give you a massage. = I want to fondle you.

What’s wrong? = I don’t see why your making such a big deal about this

What’s wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

What’s wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.

I’m bored. = Do you want to have sex?

I love you. = Let’s have sex now.

I love you, too. = Okay, I said it… we’d better have sex now!

Yes, I like the way you cut your hair. = I liked it better before.

Yes, I like the way you cut your hair. = $50 and it doesn’t look that much different!

Let’s talk. = I am trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep personand maybe then you’d like to have sex with me.

Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys
.
(while shopping) I like that one better. = Pick any freakin’dress and let’s go
home!

I don’t think that blouse and that skirt go well together. = I am gay.

What I've Been Reading Lately...

I've been reading a lot of stuff online the whole of last week and as is wont of me, mostly the paranormal, philosophical and highly dubious pieces of literature having to do with confidence tricks and 'cold reading'. Also read up on some Gnostic gospels, especially a little bit of the 'secret gospel of Mark' and Jesus' 'favourite disciple'. Read a bit on Aleister Crowley, once declared the most evil man on Earth and his big bad 'secret of sex magick'. Yes, i read weird stuff.

I converted some of that reading material into pdf files for those that would wish to read it in a more convenient manner. Here's the link to the philosophy of Carpocrates, a philosophy which has made a very favourable impression on me since the time I've read it. Also one of my all time favourites has to be the deeply philosophical movie series of 'The Matrix', and here's a distillation of the philosophies that went into the movie : the-Matrix-Trilogy-Philosophy.

The other esoteric stuff can be found on google but I suggest you not go looking around for the 'big bad secret of sex magick', for what you will find isn't in the least bit pleasant.