Social Phobia

When I was much younger I had all the symptoms of someone with chronic shyness more commonly known as social Phobia. Most people have the misconception that shyness is akin to introversion but they are distinctly different issues. Shyness can be defined as a feeling of discomfort or inhibition is social and interpersonal situations which can prohibit one from pursuing goals, either academic or personal. The degree of shyness varies too, from mild social awkwardness to debilitating social phobia. On the other hand an Introvert can be defined as one who prefers solitary to social activities but does not fear social encounters as does the shy. A shy person may not want the isolation that pervades their life and may long for social contact but the thought of doing so may fill them with dread. The symptoms are manifested as acute worry, increase of heart rate, sweating and other psychological and physiological symptoms. At some point I realised what social phobia was doing to me and decided that if I want to lead a fulfilling life and do the things I want to do then change I must. It was difficult at the outset to change years and years of bad mental programming, to thrust myself into social situations and go through the sheer mental and physical anguish. I learnt an important lesson here; the more I did something I feared the less I feared it and the more I enjoyed it. Along with that came the feeling of having accomplished something, like a hurdle being overcome. The more I socialized the more socially aware I became. The side benefits of that being that I got better in my interactions with women. I could relax around them and enjoy their company without being worried or being 'stuck in my head'.

 Making new friends and meeting new people once ever so often became an obsession, but of late I seem to have slowed down; almost lost the drive. I've caught myself in time and won't slide down to being anti social again. It's definitely not fun being chronically shy and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

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Gloom

I've officially hit rock bottom. It's been only two days since I last had a drink and already I feel depressed; a sign of withdrawal maybe. It's scary how this kind of thing has managed to creep up on me. it never crossed my mind that I could get addicted to booze. Or maybe 'addiction' is too strong a word. For now I'm goin to keep away from it and try to cut down on the cigarettes too. Those don't help either.

Had a shitty dream this morning that may have triggered this bout of gloom I feel today. Seems like life is passing me by while I stand impotent; unable to do anything or make decisions that will give me a start in some direction. The problem is that of choice. I'm afraid to make one for the thought of making the wrong choice, picking the wrong path fills me with an indescribable dread. It eats me up from the inside, wondering if I will regret making some decision even if it's forty years down the line.

But it's not about me anymore. I've been selfish all this while, living in the fantasy dream land that I'd created for myself in my head. There are people who are depending on me, who've placed their faith in me and believe that I can do better, be better. I'm sick of disappointing them time and again, disgusted with myself for getting to this point. It's not too late, it's never too late. But difficult it will be.

I resolve to make changes, for living like this has made me a shell of the man I used to be. Time to reclaim what is mine and make some people proud.

Where Is The Muse?

Been a long time since I last posted something. It's become more the norm than the exception now. I'm not really proud of it but there it is. I seem to have lost the will to write for the people who really appreciated aren't around me anymore. I lack my muse. The one who loved what I wrote and loved me more for it. Sad really. But life goes on as has mine and I live with the emptiness, the hollow feeling where what you do has no purpose, no meaning until she gives her stamp of approval. I may not be sober right now but heck, there's been other days I've been worse off. I don't promise to post anything soon, for life is dull and routine, and until some shit happens that is worth posting you'll won't be seeing much of me here. Gone are the days when blog rank mattered. There's other things to be hooked on to. Damn addictions will be the death of me. Sooner rather than later. So until some future date, I bid you goodbye.